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It Simply Isn't Cricket
If that ball hits him in the groin, the gene pool might be saved from this "sportsman" reproducing.
I hate cricket.
Not only do I hate it; I hate it with a passion. I'd list the reasons why, but to me, the reasons are self-evident*. I can summarise my feelings on the "sport" with one word: dull. Or I could expand my feelings to three words: dull as fuck.
In 2006 I relocated from my country of birth (England) to my country of familial origin (Scotland). There were several reasons for the move. One of which was to escape the aforementioned "sport". OK, so it wasn't high up on the list of reasons... but let's just say that it was to be an added bonus to the relocation.
So you can imagine my dismay on realising the bonus was... well, bogus.
I mean, sure, Scots are (on the whole) completely unimpressed with the English obsession with this retarded "sport", but it isn't utterly unrepresented among the populace. I mean sure, Scottish villages don't share their Southern neighbours propensity for reserving a green area for the occasional coma-inducing pasttime... but some misguided Scots do attend "games". There's even a cricketground in Partick, FFS. But such aberrations can be overlooked, or shown sympathy - just as sympathy can be shown for mentally ill members of society.
What makes the total escape from cricket totally impossible is the BBC's insistance on devoting so much bloody airtime to the sodding game. If I thought they'd pay attention, I'd petition the BBC to suppress any such mention of the England cricket team's latest woes in some far-flung outpost of the former colonies (to whom they unforgivably exported the "sport"). Or at the very least, they give up all pretense and change their name to the EBC... so long as it was accompanied by an apology and compensation to the estates of John Logie Baird (inventor of television) and John Reith (BBC's first managing director) for forgetting that the corporation is meant to represent Britain.
If I see one more Scot, Welshman or Irishman on a BBC quiz (like The Weakest Link) being asked what the left-googly-off-side position was formerly known as, I shall simply scream and scream and.... well. You get the idea.
If you don't get the idea and remain somewhat confused by my ire, allow me to offer an analogy. In England, cricket isn't the "national sport" - that honour goes to football. In my lifetime, cricket has always been a minority pasttime enjoyed by a select-few individuals who (apparently) cling to cricket as a dying vestige of some bygone day - when it was part-and-parcel of what it meant to be English (in an inevitable pastiche of village life). If it wasn't for a select few individuals at the BBC, eager to hold on to that image, cricket would barely enter the national consciousness. The game (and those who play it) are only well-known because of a ceaseless outpouring from the BBC.
Oh yes, that analogy... imagine, if you will, a minority national sport given the same billing as cricket on our daily BBC news output. Rather than a minority English game, let's pick one from Scotland: curling. Now, it is known elsewhere in the world, but within the UK, it is most readily associated with Scotland. Not as the "national sport" (which is also football, with a smattering of golf) but as a minority sport that very few Scots actually care about. So, how do you think the rest of the UK would feel about the Scottish curling team getting mentioned every night in their news-cycle?
And I'm not referring to a mention of the Scottish curling team alongside the English, Welsh or Northern Ireland curling team. Just the Scottish curling team. Every night. Sometimes restricted to the sports section. Sometimes in the headline "main news". Would you wonder why?
Well, as a Scot, I most-certainly wonder why I'm constantly informed about the England cricket team.
If it meant ridding us of this silly, dull, waste of space of a so-called "sport", I'd readily vote for Scottish independence. So long as every devotee of the "game" was frog-marched to the border and told never to darken our land again.
* If my reasons for hating cricket are not self-evident, allow me to explain.
Cricket is, essentially, baseball with all of the fun removed. The ball is aimed near the ground (to hit the wicket) so the players have to wear massive leg-padding which restricts their running-speed, but that's OK as there are only 2 points that need to be run to. We wouldn't want to make it interesting by spreading the running area into a baseball-diamond shape, as that might constitute "fun", so... no... let's have a 2-point running line in the middle of the pitch.
But, if the idea of running back-and-forth between 2 fixed points is deemed "too exciting", we needn't worry as the ideal situation is for the ball to be hit so far that no running is required. If it goes into the crowd, let's just call it a "six" and just stand there, doing nothing whatsoever.
Repeat this process over the course of 3 days and call it a "test match". It's certainly testing with regards to anything that might be considered "entertainment". And, after all of that, we might end up calling it a draw. If the team finds itself hopeful that rain will stop play, you have to seriously ask yourself how a game that can be decided on weather conditions can be considered anything resembling a competitive environment.
Cricket isn't a sport. Sport suggests athleticism. In that age-old question of the differentiation between "sport" and "game", cricket certainly qualifies as a "game". A game, it should be noted, that is as inspirational and exciting to watch as a heavily-painted drying wall.
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